1.28.08 2.2.08 1.11.09

-> who what when where why how -> the questions in journalism are the same as in philosophy, and they’re exotically vile hors d’ouevre; the free, they nibble and pretend to enjoy them and spit into a napkin when no one’s looking. The imprisoned have no choice, there is nothing to do but eat them, all of them, over and over, even though they don’t like them, and they can’t throw up, and even if they could they’d eat them again. But two of them – who and why – are impossible to swallow.

The free use entertainment to escape. Some watch movies. Some play games. The imprisoned use bed sheets to escape. Some out the window. Some round the neck.

Andrew Peterson chose the latter. Imagine the bed sheets, puzzled by their removal from the bed, then disgruntled by the stretching, then trembling with cold terror: Oh God, is he going to, oh, please, his little hairs are poking into me, I’m tightening, I can’t stop tightening. NO! no————— ___________ And then, untied from the neck, balled up, heading for the washer: Why do I have to live? Why didn’t I die? I hope the water’s hot.

Suicide is a final dress rehearsal – a performance for oneself. No audience is allowed. And before the show can even open, it is closed.

-> who who who who who who -> Joel. The day Andrew stabbed my cousin Joel it was my grandmother’s birthday. The day of Joel’s funeral it was my birthday. The day Andrew killed himself it was my grandparents’ anniversary. These three days want to retire from their day job, do something else, maybe a third-shift janitor, where they can come into work without talking to people, listen to music, stare at a dirty floor until it’s clean.

After his death, everyone created a role and clutched it closely. Father became “World’s Greatest Dad”, Stepmom became “Mother Superior”, Ex-girlfriend became “Endless Love.” I became half of a comedy team. We used to mutter jokes to one another, adjusting the volume according to appropriateness. Joel was like Vince Vaughn – a wiseass, but, a wounded one. He had this facial expression that came standard – “premeditated mellow” – it sounds like a paint color, doesn’t it? But he made known every thought, without moving. I could lock eyes with him across the room and feel understood. My sister and I called him Joe Cool.

And my grandparents…they looked at life, and looked at death, and laid down somewhere in between them. You had to lay down next to them to have a conversation. Even then, they didn’t look at you. They looked up. They asked why.

-> why why why why why why ->

They asked you why, Andrew.

You said,

“no reason.”


The door bell rings, and my dogs explode into a cycle of agitation and pompousness: “Who could it be? Jeffrey Dahmer? Billy Graham? Gloria Estefan? Who cares! We love the sound of our own voices!” It is a pitiful yowling hysteria, though they think it a thunderously dignified display. My dogs love the sound of their own voice (like humans), although I suspect if I recorded it and played it back they wouldn’t love it any more (also like humans). ShuddUP! SHUDDUP! I gingerly wade through the furry waves of dog towards the front door and open it.

It’s my cousin Angela. Her sweatshirt, earrings and eyeshadow are all turquoise – a color made for tropical waters and fifth grade girls. Angela is not a fifth grade girl, though sometimes it seems like it. She’s twenty-two, but doesn’t learn at the same speed as others her age. The condition has some repugnantly polite name, nearly as repugnantly polite as calling it a condition. But I prefer to imagine all her blood deciding to stay home, in the heart, and not travel to the head. This is better, really, I believe it makes her a better person. And she’s so beautiful. She’s a beautiful men can’t quite fantasize about, because they’d feel guilty afterward.

When we were young she was the only one with the mad imagination, farcical tendencies and preference for all forms of exaggerated feminity that matched my own. We wanted to be Vera-Ellen in White Christmas (She’s so thin because she’s always dancing. We must always keep dancing.) or Ariel in The Little Mermaid (Ways I Am Like Ariel: 1. Red hair! 2. Female-fish anatomy?) Within two minutes together, our jog pants and T-shirts would be converted to whorish hyperbole, including pink plastic heels and feather boas. Then we’d get out her tea set and promise to be careful with every intention not to be. Cups were filled with water (her mother’s idea) then tipped over/thrown/dropped as quickly as possible, then refilled again. We seemed to fall out of chairs more than we sat in them. We called it “crazy tea party,” adding an unwitting anti-British element to playtime.

This was all before Love blew a spitwad in her eye, which slid down her cheek, impersonating tears in a way that was vicious, not funny. You would think Love would pick a little man to be the pilot of that spitwad. She didn’t. He was tall. Taahll. Tuawwl. In any accent he was tall. A man who was much older than her. That much had a mouth full of years, a potbelly of years, pockets stuffed with years. The years were a dare; a do-it-now-or-you’re-not-alive dare. The years were a functional alcoholic:

  • I can do this.
  • I’m in control.
  • I feel fabulous.
  • I feel fucking fabulous.
  • I’m God.
  • No, I’m David Bowie.

I don’t know if that’s how she felt, but I know that’s how I felt, the first time I met him. Not her former him, my former him. He respected our age difference, respected me, respected himself. Respect is such a good strategy it doesn’t need a strategy. “I’m a lot older than you,” he said. “No you’re not,” I said.

Angela met her former him for coffee the other day, which made her father’s red face get even redder. So red that looking at it makes your heart beat faster, makes you want to eat more vegetables. Why so red, father? Because I’m Italian, and I have high blood pressure, and MY DAUGHTER TRIED TO KILL HERSELF OVER THIS MAN.

She tried to kill herself.

It was fantastically ineffective.

Thank God’s nose hairs, his eyelashes, his toenails for that.

It was phenomenally unsuccessful because of Angela’s boating accident in the birth canal. Her skull was hurt, so the skull took it out on the brain, and the brain took it out on logic. Anyway, when the time had come for trying to kill herself, she opted for drinking laundry detergent. Isn’t she spectacular? If she hadn’ t had that pre-birth business, she would have done something more logical and conclusive – perhaps leaning too far over a ledge…and I do appreciate her picking something outside of social acceptability, not to mention the determination. Her taste buds must have cringed with courteous disgust through the introductions: Oh, hi, Alkyl phenoxy polyethoxy ethanols, It’s nice to meet you, Xylene sulfonate. Ultimately, though, anything’s preferable to lying in front of a lawnmower (“What are you doing?” “Oh hi.” “Yes, hi. Could you move? I don’t want to run over you.” “You know it’s really fine. Just go ahead, you’ve got to get this lawn mowed.” “Your life is more important than grass. Anyway, it’s not that long.” “Well, it is. You almost didn’t see me. You almost didn’t stop.” “Uh, okay. Actually there’s a good twenty feet – were you trying to kill yourself or not?”).

Angela formed a business partnership with prescription medication, and they got through it together, ended up in the black. So she asked her former him to meet her for coffee. He treated her with an unfeeling friendliness, like you would a postal worker. Angela braved the pleasantries. They said goodbye, he indifferently, she intensely. This is how things end, she thought, with nothing at all. She came home to her mother. Her mother, who raised Angela like she was a full bowl of tomato soup being carried across white carpeting, careful, I can do this, carefully.

We do not talk about any of this, standing in the front hallway. My dogs are loving her now, with their tongues, paws, ears, tails. She is smiling at them, and at me, with big eyes that are even brighter than her eyeshadow.