REALTOR: So here we are.
WIFE: Oh my God. It’s so clean.
WIFE: Yes. And quiet.
HUSBAND: Like a tomb.
WIFE: Don’t be morbid. (To REALTOR) He’s a writer.
WIFE: Now who did you say lived here? A meth dealer?
REALTOR: Oh, um –
HUSBAND: She didn’t say that.
WIFE: I know she didn’t say that, we know she didn’t say that, I’m saying it now, to spare her the embarrassment of having to say it.
HUSBAND: How would you even know if a meth dealer lived here?
WIFE: I do watch television sometimes.
REALTOR: It was a man named Matthew Jones. (Beat.) And yes, he was a meth dealer.
WIFE(To HUSBAND): You see? (To REALTOR) Did he also use?
REALTOR: Yes, but –
WIFE: A dealer and a user. That’s a regrettable combination. The dealing is bad enough, but the using is just unprofessional.
HUSBAND: Well you have to believe in your product.
WIFE: I don’t think humor is appropriate now, do you?
HUSBAND: It never is. That’s why I like it.
REALTOR: He’s clean now.
WIFE: Excuse me?
REALTOR: Matthew’s clean now. He went through the Teen Challenge program. He’s on staff, actually.
REALTOR: He’s on staff at Teen Challenge. He’s speaking at their banquet at the end of the month.
HUSBAND: Is he the one Fox interviewed who said addiction was demon possession?
WIFE: You know that’s the first sensible thing I’ve heard about addiction. All this silliness about it being a disease.
HUSBAND: Everybody wants it to be something that can be exorcised or cured. They don’t want to believe it’s a part of them, like a pancreas or a spleen.
WIFE: The body can function without a pancreas or a spleen.
HUSBAND: It can also function without sex, but where is that going to get us?
WIFE: Somewhere better than here.
HUSBAND: Where the grass is greener?
WIFE: Yes, grown with love instead of bullshit. (Beat. To REALTOR) Excuse my language. It’s just been happening lately.
REALTOR: I understand.
WIFE: Do you?
REALTOR: No, but I find that pretending to understand makes both parties feel better.
WIFE: It does. Say it again please.
WIFE: Thank you.
HUSBAND: Wasn’t he in the bathtub for three days?
HUSBAND: The meth dealer. Wasn’t he passed out in the bathtub for three days?
REALTOR: I think that was his wake up call.
WIFE: How could he even hear the phone ringing?
REALTOR: Well he did and now he’s speaking at the banquet with the Lieutenant Governor.
HUSBAND: You mean the Private Lieutenant Governor.
HUSBAND: He wants to privatize everything.
WIFE: Including prisons. Just think how much money we would save in taxes if the prison system were being run like a good business.
REALTOR: If it were a good business we’d be trying to keep people out of it. Privatization would have the opposite effect.
WIFE: I wonder if the meth dealer knows about all that.
REALTOR: If not, I’m sure they won’t tell him before he gets up on the platform with the Lieutenant Governor.
HUSBAND: He knows. He’s in support of privatization.
WIFE: I really admire this meth dealer.
REALTOR: His name is Matthew.
REALTOR: The meth dealer – the man who lived here before. His name is Matthew.
WIFE: From demon possession to local politician. I suppose it doesn’t get much better than that.