“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

St. Paul convicts by way of confession. He’s like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat, throwing his arrow of truth right into my heart, pulling towards him, and then uppercutting me. But in the name of God, not revenge.

I understand why he’s upset; he’s celibate.

I know how upsetting it is. All of that extraneous sexual energy is redirected into my personality, which decides to form a color guard, with flags flailing with flamboyance, airblades slashing with wit, batons thrusting with independence, sabers stabbing with superiority.

But when the crowd goes home, I am alone. That pagan skeleton inside of me starts to dance. How sexy can it be without being sex? he asks, and his distal phalange screeches on the blackboard as he writes the equations:

(interesting person – only interested in their body) touching over underwear + kissing with tongue = delectable, forgivable

(seemingly nice person – never met them before) taking off shirts/pulling down underwear x groping organs until they orgasm = incredible, despicable

Expressions, identities, constants, variables…The math can’t explain my actions, or solve my regret. I am on the ground. I am bleeding from the heart.

Then St. Paul is at my side, offering a hand, saying, “And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.”

3 thoughts on ““I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

  1. I do get a little uncomfortable by discussions about sex sometimes, but it’s a big part of everyone’s life, and I’m betting that very few people get it exactly right. I do appreciate your honesty, and I hope that you can resolve the conflict you mention in a transcendent way.

  2. I enjoin you to just at least entertain the possibility that (homo)sexuality is completely normal and neutral and that it is Christianity itself that is twisted, ill, aberrant. The possibility that a mythology has been paraded around as “The Truth” and that something normal for human beings to be and do has been passed off as an “abomination” in that mythology due to various sociopolitical narratives. If that could be possible, then everything is topsy-turvy, right? But what if it were possible? What if it is?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s