Tuesday, May 1st, 2008

“The Way You Make Me Feel” summarizes most of human love.

We expect our partner to be a main supplier, keeping us stocked with self-worth. We expect them to be an electric blanket and a roller coaster and a slice of cheesecake. I want them to want me, so I feel wanted. And yet – that’s not all of it – I want to return the favor.

I’ve always thought of friends and lovers as synonymous concepts. I don’t have acquaintances, I have commitments. If there was a more masculine equivalent to those heart friend necklaces, I’d hand them out to the critical few. But, this is my main mistake – assuming the sincerity and seriousness is mutual. I don’t think it has ever been. I tried to tell her the other night, but I ended up saying I didn’t want to lose her. It’s just the opposite – I do – I want to drop her like a cigarette down a sewer grate and never see her again. She has hurt me like no one has.

The truth is something we have to live with. We shouldn’t have to be told it as well. That’s a cruelty I’m perpetually unprepared for. And she did it.

I don’t have grudges, but I do have memories, and they always play back at the most inopportune moments; right when someone’s criticizing or suggesting, their voice becomes white noise, and their past actions become a siren increasing in volume and pitch, canceling everything out. I don’t resent, I just remember.

I cannot, and will not, possess people. There are not pets, or pieces of art, or precious stones. Whether there are near or far, I will abide. But I am done pretending I invited loneliness in. He decided to invade and sit on my couch and hog the TV. It must be because everyone is already or is going to be married. It’s making me feel like the lone survivor of a plane crash. Everyone’s staring, saying, “Oh my word, how is he alive? What’s he going to do now?” I’m this statistical impossibility, or novelty, or something. It seems like there’s no room left in anyone’s inn for me. They did it to Jesus, why wouldn’t they do it to me?

“No one thinks that”

“You’re making it all about you”

“Lots of people don’t get married”

“You haven’t me the right person”

Why thank you. That didn’t make it go away.

Caffeinated tea creates this craziness. It’s 3:30 am and I think if I write until dawn I’ll reach a solution. Untrue, but seductive nonetheless.

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